Getting Married Again

Having a ring again on my left hand feels weird. I am not sure why it feels weird exactly, but I think it is because I associate it with the last time I got engaged and that marriage failed. I mean, like any normal human being would do, we compare now to what we have been through.. and even though it is completely different.. some of those hurt feelings and situations still come up. I am extremely happy I get to marry a man I love, but I am also terrified in the sense that I do not want to end up not choosing each other in the end again. I am trying to be happy and in bliss, but it can be hard when your mind goes straight back to the past.

A lot of people would ask me why I kept my ex husband's last name.. and it wasn't because I missed him or wanted to piss anyone off. I genuinely did not feel very attached to my last name. To me, in my eyes, that is not who I am. I am Rachel, Rach, and Rachie. I spent three years envisioning myself as Mrs. Bernard, so I was okay with never going back to my maiden name because I accepted who I was becoming, with or without the husband. I liked Bernard more than my maiden name, and I was ready to let go of the attachment I had to my maiden name. I also for a short amount of time taught children that called me Mrs. B and I absolutely adored it. It fit me, and I already went through all the work it took to change it. I was also honestly too lazy to go back and redo all that work because deep down I knew I would find someone else and change my last name again. Didn't know it would take 5 or 6 years, but I stayed hopeful. I did have doubts that I was going to be single forever, and I was actually starting to come to terms with it. So much so that I was coming close to changing my last name back to my maiden name if I did not see myself getting married again.

Being married once, you realize how much bullshit you don't want to go through, because none of it actually matters. The engagement was huge and fabulous and beautiful, but the marriage itself was not. So going into dating and having that mindset of ending up with someone, I already knew I never wanted anything extravagate again. I want it to be private and intimate and just.. us. Which sucks because I did not want to take away from Jimmy's first experience of being engaged and getting married. Lucky for me, he just wants me to be happy and is completely okay with private and intimate, and our engagement was so us. It was perfect in every way and I wouldn't want anything else. To the ring, to him asking me, to him being so nervous, and to us just screaming randomly for days after because we could not contain the excitement. It was nothing short of perfect in our eyes, and really.. that is all that matters.

Getting married again, I do not feel bad about knowing what I want. I do not care about people's feelings on who I should tell and who comes to the wedding. I told the people closest to me, and the rest is history. Its a day for me and him and not for anyone else. It is not a showcase, and we could care less who's feelings we hurt.. and that is how it should be for anyone getting married. It is your day and you and your partner get to do whatever you want with that day to express your love and decision to choose each other forever. The end.

I think it is also a weird feeling because you only dream of this moment one time when you are a little girl, and society puts extra emphasis on this one and only feeling. So going into something that was only supposed to happen one time.. happen again, I automatically feel like a failure. But this is where I have to stop myself and my thoughts and remember who I was when I was in my first marriage, and everything that happened after. I am glad I didn't stay somewhere I was not meant to be, because everything that happened after was preparing me for this moment now. I want to say I do not wish divorce on anyone, because the emotional turmoil was rough. However, what hurt so badly actually became one of my biggest breakthroughs, and I sometimes forget that when society wants to tell me I failed at life because I didn't stay married the first time.

Things I have learned moving into this second marriage include choosing a partner who I will fight for each and every day, even when I do not feel like it. One who I don't want to change or turn into the version of a partner I have in my mind, but one that I accept and cherish as they show up. Someone I am willing to go through changes with, compromises with, and most importantly choose every day with. For someone who leads with emotion and lets her feelings dictate her decisions, this has been my biggest downfall in relationships. I am learning, I am growing, and I am so much stronger. I have waited and picked through my partners wisely to ensure the next person I end up with is my forever, and I am so excited for my forever.