Leaving Motherhood Behind

Am I being dramatic?

I had your whole life planned out.

Here I am in the waiting room.. erratic.

I wanted you so badly, even if it was your dad I had to live without.

I didn't get to see you.

I didn't get to feel you.

But fuck, I already loved you.

It's a love I can't describe

A love only a mother would know

And I have longed for that love, ever since you left long ago

I still remember so vividly, going to the bathroom and noticing blood

"No this can't be happening" I screamed

As the tears fell from my face like a flood

I rushed to the internet,

having hope since all these other women had their baby even after bleeding

I went outside and walked around my apartment complex pleding.

Please god, can i have this baby?

I know I will be a good mother

and we will get to have each other.

But every emotion was too consuming

and the bad thoughts started looming

My heart sank as the nurse couldn't find you on the ultrasound

"Maybe you are just too early".. she tried to reassure me

And continues to look all around.

They take me out into a room

and deliver the bad news

I am unable to have you

and my life will have to resume.

Each week I get pricked in the arm.

Each week they tell me how ectopics can harm

Each week I have to see big bellies on other women.

Each week I am told it will erupt, they just do not know when.

They get to leave with pictures of their baby

And I only leave with bruises

I have to get medicine injected that stops you from growing

and everything then diffuses

I come home to your personalized onesie

feeling numb and defeated

trying to understand everything my body is going through

and how it is being treated

How can I call myself a mom when I don't have a child

How can I call myself a mom when all I saw were two pink lines

I feel like such a fraud

I don't think I will ever be fine

leaving motherhood behind.