October 3rd, 2023

Getting sober has become one of the loneliest seasons of my life. I am sad because I can't go drink and I am even more sad that most of my friends are friends who I don't really care for sober. Being sober makes dating even more difficult because I am not blurring their boring personalities with alcohol. I cried hard Sunday- thinking how I am always the one asking deep questions to get to know someone- when no one is asking me .. no one is intentionally trying to get to know what makes me, me. No one has pushed past the surface because ultimately they don't care. All of this only brings me back to the people that did care- and how I fucked that up.. but, I have to remind my brain every fucking day that even the ones who did care on a deeper level still treated me like shit. I still deserved better- still deserved more. But in these lonely moments, I don't think about those shit times. I don't think about being called a bitch, slut, whore. I don't think about how badly I didn't want to have sex but was pushed and guilt tripped to do so. All I think about are the times they saw me for me. Why the fuck does our brain do that? What the actual fuck.

I haven't made it to an AA meeting yet because yes, I am terrified, but also my body has been so tired after work. With all the sadness and grief that comes with quitting drinking- I can say that I still prefer this sober life over a life that is numbing and going through the motions. I still prefer waking up remembering everything and being my 100% self to tackle on the day versus being hungover and not remembering what happened the night before. I prefer not having any sex versus having sex with people I really had no interest in pursuing. Though this side is lonely right now, I see it as a detox.. and not just from alcohol. A detox from friends who were only drinking buddies. A detox from dating without alcohol making me think they had potential. A detox from the 4 hours of sleep to now getting more than 8. A detox of being the most unproductive to being the most consistent at the gym. A detox to my emotions taking over me. Yes, I am sad right now- but I did not realize how depressed and anxious i was after a night of drinking. Now, I feel like things that happen in my life, I do not blow it out of proportion.. nor does it feel like the end of the world. Being sober has made me feel every emotion in the book without being able to numb what is life- something I took for granted.

I feel like I do have a purpose and I am not going through the motions but can finally take small steps towards my goals since I no longer only fill my time with drinking and sleeping the day away from being hungover. Don't get me wrong, I am still in this stage of sobriety that makes me sad that I can never have a drink again. I don't really feel the anger of jealousy of the moderate drinkers- I genuinely liked getting buzzed and numb- which right there is sad. Right there shows I needed to stop. Though this has been the hardest thing in my life, I still wouldn't choose the life I had drinking. It's like knowing this is what is best for you... but still missing that part of your life that did make you feel fun and adventurous. My weekends are more fun without alcohol, I just now need to make the steps towards finding a sober community and more sober hobbies that I want to do more than drinking. All I can say is I am literally taking one day at a time and that already releases most of the pressure.

October

3rd

2023