September 14th, 2021

I am giving it all to you. I am laying it at your feet. I am surrendering it all to you. I no longer want to be in control. I no longer want to give up or run away. I want to follow you. I want to run after you. I want your plans and your will be done for my life. I am dropping everything my heart desires and letting you have your way with my heart. This is hard to do, Lord. Hard to have faith... hard to surrender everything my soul craves.. all my dreams and all my plans. Because for a while, I could not feel your presence. You did not feel near, but your word says differently.

It says you were there. You are always.. there. You never leave us.

You are there when I am in pain - crying my eyes out begging you to not wake me up tomorrow. Begging you to end my pain. You were there, when I decided I didn't want to be sad anymore. When I pushed to move on with my day and focus on every opportunity you put in front of me. You were there, when I tried to push through my healing process, when I tried to fast forward and go on dates. You were there, when these men didn't respect my boundaries. When they pushed my boundaries. You were there, when I finally had enough of ignoring my hurt from my divorce. You were there, when I finally had the strength to turn away the desire to be with someone just because I was lonely. Just because I was filling a void - having it as my safety net.

Lord you were there, when I was scrolling through my wedding pictures, drunk off wine, weeping to have one more go at it.

You were there - period.

I don't know why this had to happen. I don't know the next steps in life - all I know is I am tired of not chasing after the only person who could love me unconditionally. The only one who created me - who knows me better than anyone else. I am tired. Help me put my trust in you. Help me keep my eyes on you in times of hopelessness. To remind me that you only have good plans for me. That you have called me chosen, worthy... royalty.

I am a child of God, and my hope is found in you.

I love you - so much.