About me

I am not sure if I start with the basics or just fully dive into my trauma and what brought me here today for me to start sharing my writing with you guys, so, I will do both. Buckle up buttercup.

I was born and raised in Houston, TX, and am currently 30 years old. I later moved to Magnolia, TX where I would go to high school and decide that I would want my college far away from this hell hole. (Magnolia is nice, I just absolutely hated high school.) I am a Sagittarius, and a 2w1 ... if you know you know. I grew up playing all kinds of sports, and stuck with basketball, volleyball and track in high school. I want to say I grew up middle class - but with that came with my dad always talking about scary financial situations we were in and him giving his life away to his business because that was his way of showing love. He showed love by providing for this family, rather than physically showing up to events and emotionally being there. I know now that him providing in that way comes from how he was raised. If only I could have a sit down conversation with my grandpa and tell him how great my Dad can be and to stop shitting on him more than the other siblings. Then again, I don't know if my dad would have the strong work ethic he does now if he didn't go through that.

Long story short, my dad's absence would later play a big role in my life. My dad and I have a great relationship now, and growing older I have so much respect for him... that and a whole lot of grace. I am thankful for my mom because without her, I truly think I would be somewhere else in life not doing so hot. I grew up in a household with one alcoholic, so my heart goes out to those who were raised with two. I know you guys are some strong motherfuckers. Anyways, dad's absence and him always leaving when he would argue with my mom most likely plays a part in my avoidant attachment style. Yet, it's ironic. On one end I have an avoidant attachment style, and on the other hand I would beg for people to love me. I would change who I was to fit the version they liked, obviously losing myself for many many years. The breakthrough I needed from this was my divorce. You don't hear that much.. but thank god for my divorce.

Throw an absent alcoholic father and mix it with a perfectionist begging for acceptance kind of child.. with a (big) splash of religion.. and you get 21 year old me. I dated men that were like my father, dated men worse than my father, and molded myself to not only please those men but to please God. Before getting married, I would discover Tulsa, Oklahoma by getting a scholarship to go to Oral Roberts University. (Fun fact: it took five years and four colleges later to get my degree. Four colleges.. you read that right.) Oral Roberts is a private Christian university that i would describe as charismatic. This would be where I would dive deeper into my relationship with Jesus, but also where I would become a version of myself that I could not recognize today. With getting married being on the top of my godly duties list, and believing I was one of the hardest people to love, I attached quickly to the next nice guy I met and didn't let go. I would try to break up with him early, but would blame that on being avoidant and still continue the relationship. I just wanted to be a wife, have that ring, and prove to everyone who has left me that I am lovable enough for someone to want to choose to spend forever with me. (Sad as fuck I know, but its the truth.) I would even call off the engagement three months before our date just to end up still getting married. This is your sign my friends, to always follow your gut.

I remember wanting to leave the marriage and telling my ex husband right then and there, for him to say right after "we have Christmas with my family so lets just do that." I knew from there that I could not carry on. I want to crawl out of my skin when I have to pretend like everything is okay. I can't sweep things under the rug, I can't pretend this is what I want or what I deserve anymore. Fuck the religion, fuck this marriage, and fuck being anything other than me.

January 1st, 2021, I drove down with whatever I could fit into my truck and went back to my parents house to start over. Some people might say, "why are you always talking about your divorce, it has been five years are you not over it yet?" I am over my divorce, but my divorce is what broke every fake facade I created for myself. It is when I stopped giving a shit about other people and truly did what I wanted to do. In a world that shames people for getting divorced, or makes them feel isolated and unlovable, I will forever keep talking about it. I will talk about it for those who believe they have to settle to find love, for those who think marriage is the end goal to show people you made it and you are worthy in life, or for those who have a hard time realizing it is okay to wait. You don't need a partner to fulfil your life or even start your life. Don't just settle because you have convinced yourself that the person you deserve just doesn't exist. That is farthest from the truth.

With my divorce, came the exploration of my sexuality. For the first time ever, I got to live by myself and explore the city by myself. I got to meet new people, find new hobbies, and be completely content with being single. At times it was hard, because I have wanted my person since I was in high school. So yes, there were many nights I cried myself to sleep wishing I didn't have to keep going on all the dates that never worked out. Five years later, I learned so much about myself and I will forever be grateful for those years I took to date, and explore, and understand myself better.

I learned that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, just like my father. I learned how hard it would be to not only get sober but stay sober. I learned how much I love sand volleyball. I learned just how avoidant I was and how shitty I would treat people just because I did not want to have the uncomfortable conversations with them. I learned that it was not getting peace, it was avoiding accountability. I learned that I like to date both men and women. That I want my person to not just like my appearance, but actually someone who gets to know me.. maybe even better than I know myself. I learned that I want someone to stand up for me. Someone who has ambition and drive. Someone who does the little things for me. I learned all the qualities I did not want in a partner. I learned that I like to speak loudly for things I am passionate about (sometimes too passionate about) and will not be around anyone who tries to make me feel smaller. I learned that sometimes silence is not weakness, and that it is okay for others to misunderstand you. I have learned so much, and I keep on learning. Skip five years later, I found someone I can actually see myself spending forever with. I found someone I actually want to choose every single day, which is a first for me.

I have built so many blogs but always deleted them, because even though I can come off as bold with what I share, the vulnerability is still scary. It can get to me that no one cares what I write or someone is offended with what I write.. and so I get overwhelmed and delete the whole thing all in all. But, I have the most supportive partner and feel like I am at a really good point in my life, therefore I am going to be louder than ever.

I hope you stick around.

With so much love,

Rachie